The 2022 Enterprise Software Non-Predictions

Ongoing supply chain issues have impacted Brian and Jon this year, delaying their annual list of non-predictions by a few days.

Our tastiest morsels of snark, sarcastic puns and more were stuck off Long Beach – waiting to be unloaded in this room. On the bright side, no PR blacksmith was harmed when creating this year’s award list!

We’ve been doing anti-predictions for many years now – and we’ve had our share of close calls. Pretty terrifying, one of our unpredictions from last year came accidentally awfully close to being a real thing:

With all manner of in-person events canceled in 2020, marketers will be spending much of 2021 trying to unload tons of tote bags, water bottles, name badges, and more. not relevant to the 2020 conference. Industry analysts will each receive 100 commemorative 2020 tote bags each, delivered by forklift, when in-person briefings resume.

Turns out the sellers didn’t load people up with outdated tchotchkes (although the Flair buttons definitely have new life!). No, they repurposed old marketing bromides, used slides, spit it all out in low-code, and sent us this Miracle Whip via Zoom/Teams/et al. Classic enterprise software lesson: never lose a good marketing understatement; improve your sustainability KPI and recycle it!

The top 20 non-predictions for 2022

  1. A circus gymnast will be fired for not being resilient enough. This is the only resilience-related career success for 2022.
  2. After Al Gore successfully claimed to have invented the Internet, he will now call himself the term: AlGoreRythmic.
  3. Someone predicts there won’t be any more’forecast lists. (Whoops – it’s already arrived).
  4. A new cryptocurrency for dolts is created. It’s called ‘string of fools’. Crypto-for-luddites is also in beta, project name crypto-ludes.
  5. A software company is forced to cancel its “masterclass” when the slide deck is in a preschool coloring book.
  6. Another new cryptocurrency will appear depending on the price increase/decrease of mushrooms and mushrooms. It will be the world’s first Non-Fungi Token (NFT).
  7. Mixing big, dark, transactional and other data for ML analytics will now be called ‘mixed‘. If it provides genuine business information, it will be called a ‘smoothie‘.
  8. A pissed off cop using a self-driving service management app cites her for a commuting violation. A judge decides to dismiss the case because the application was supposed to be ‘without ticket‘.
  9. A major enterprise software vendor will be sanctioned by the government for selling vaporware. The seller will maintain that his non-existent product is the epitome of ‘no code’ Software.
  10. A well-known consultant is forced to remove “Growth Ninja” from his LinkedIn profile, after a real Ninja challenges him to a street duel.
  11. In a legal first, a chatbot will sue a supplier for discrimination as the company markets a ‘in person’ user conference – this discriminates against virtual beings. Alexa files an amicus brief on behalf of chatbots everywhere.
  12. One of the last vendors to still develop on-site solutions will create new vertical applications for the telegraph, fax, film photography and horse-drawn carriage industries. They will also proudly advertise that they are the highest rated supplier in the Better late than never research quadrant. This is the quadrant sought for the most redundant and least expedient solutions known to mankind.
  13. One particularly out of touch industry analyst thinks “who changes the game is what happens when you switch between two televised football matches.
  14. Expert/industry analyst Ray Wang has made a New Year’s resolution to go an entire year without saying the word’digital‘. It breaks down in less than an hour (he was sleeping when it happened, but he wasn’t too tired to tweet!).
  15. An old-fashioned pizza chain will create a special version of itself for customers. It will be called Chuck E Chatbot. The customer experience, however, is supposed to be really “cheesy”!
  16. A “smart boost” will lose its technical sense. It will become again what a longtime lover gives to his partner when he falls asleep in the middle of the action.
  17. A hacker will rig everyone on a Zoom call, momentarily creating pandemonium. Interestingly, everyone on the call is suddenly starting to pay attention and companies are starting to request deepfake as a feature!
  18. Everywhere, confirmed singles are resisting the call to become “indentured” workers.
  19. Because valuations have gotten so frothy lately, investors need a new mythical word to describe something bigger than a unicorn. Thus, we will begin to see griffins, centaurs and jackalopes.
  20. A machine learning algorithm will fail epically when the underlying pattern it detects is ‘plaid‘.

Corporate event predictions for 2022 – our top ten

  1. An exciting event marketer will ironically call his pandemic-related masterclass a ‘disaster class‘.
  2. A speaker at a major HR software show will have a hard time choosing their next happy talk webinar topic (happy talk will be crossed out). This presentation without substance will either be titled:
    1. “Make the employee experience – experiential!” »
    2. “Engagements – It’s Not Just For Weddings Anymore” Or,
    3. “Why win the talent war when you can just go work for a better employer!”
  3. Fanfares will reappear during user conferences. As before, we have no idea why this is happening, or its purpose!
  4. Some vendors will try to make virtual aspects of their 2022 conferences a world of VR wonder. Instead, they will transform a metaverse in perversewhen VR glasses and online chat rooms collide.
  5. Controversy ensues when a hologram of a software CEO delivers a keynote and then signs an SLA.
  6. Non-politically correct software executive gets booed off stage for joking that ESG stands for “mostly stupid rubbish’. Participants wonder if the joke also applies to its software.
  7. An unscrupulous vendor hacks into COVID contact tracing technology at their conference – to see which prospects attended a competitor’s conference.
  8. A vendor will deploy spyware on their virtual event to see if attendees are actually watching the talks. They quickly drop the practice when they learn that their CEO is the least watchable speaker they have.
  9. A new employee at vendor Mar-Comm hires LensCrafters to help their leadership team develop a compelling vision for their “hybrid” events. To their surprise, LensCrafters’ proposal is better than the homemade version.
  10. A whole bunch of demos get bored when laptops start installing Windows 11 during live presentations. Somehow even the pre-recorded demos get knocked down by a malicious Windows update.

New tech jargon for 2022

It wouldn’t be a new year without some new buzzwords to impress your synergy-weary friends.

  • Platagana – when an ERP vendor overvalues ​​its technological platform
  • Diversified – when an HR diversity app gets an immersive UX
  • In-flight service – this is what on-premises software users expect from their vendor when moving to a new cloud solution.
  • Customer Suxless – A more accurate alternative to so-called “customer success” programs.
  • bully – What you call an integrator who keeps trying to force unnecessary upgrades and technology platform changes on your company – while threatening to put you down to your CEO.
  • Sin Tech – This is where all that Fin Tech VC money is really going.
  • TikTik – Not a TikTok clone, but a new app that detects if you have Lyme disease after all.
  • Cat litter – When a software company’s “dogfooding” doesn’t work and the product needs to be phased out.
  • Quadrantite – medical diagnosis for an executive who becomes addicted to social sharing of his company’s analyst rankings. Currently an incurable condition.
  • MF (Machine-First) Virus Protection – when your laptop is protected against Covid and other viruses, in order to work safely with it you.
  • Algoripé/Crapbot – when an algorithm offers a very bad recommendation, users rename the system to this.
  • JiveG – a derogatory term that consumers are beginning to use with disgust as telecom 5G propaganda falls short of reality.
  • evangelist – when a software “evangelist” falls short of KPIs for blatant brand promotions, over-enthusiasm for products, and vigorous retweets from their leadership team.
  • Anti-VAXxer – what you call someone who wouldn’t buy DEC VAX minicomputers in the 1990s (e.g. “I wonder if they’re still anti-VAXxer”.)
  • The great insubordination – workers who are unable to participate in the great resignation find the best thing to do.
  • Sanscomes – the opposite of the “results” that software executives keep showing us.

The 2022 non-prediction generator

The Un-Predictions Generator was a big hit last year. It’s back with brand new content. So, for those of you who don’t have Jon and Brian’s spare time to develop your own anti-predictions, here’s your free tool. All you have to do is choose something from each column and voila, you have a winner!

(Your non-prediction generator 2022)

And as always, Brian still won’t sign up for Facebook.

The ultimate corporate pickup line will once again change from “If you’re feeling hyper, I can evolve!”, at “How far can you code?!” (Jon’s favorite) and “Would you like to experience this employee? !(Brian’s favorite)

And: somewhere, somehow, someone will again be thanked for their leadership.

If you want more, follow Jon and brian on Twitter – we’ll share some near misses from the editing room floor. Jon also has a penchant for satire and strikethroughs in his weekly results/failures.

Endnote – credit to Den Howlett for use of his copyrighted phrase Suxless, which he has applied many times. Howlett, now retired from diginomica but not the non-prediction game, posted some of his own on LinkedIn as we head into our video debut.